Today is my last day at work. I've been at TAXI for just under four years and in advertising that's like 20 regular job years. I wanted to send out a goodbye email and as a writer was consumed about how to make that message count and still be entertaining.
So here's what I sent out today.
Before taking off on my big trip, one book suggested making a will. Cheery. Well here’s one regarding everything in my office so there’s no fighting over my stuff once I’m gone, you vultures.
THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF LMB
I, LMB, a departing employee of TAXI being of sound mind and body hereby make this Will and revoke all prior Wills and Codicils.
BENEFICIARIES: I give my office property to the following persons, in no particular order:
To Rose, the speakers on my desk. Actually, they’re yours and I “borrowed” them three years ago. Hope you don’t mind.
To Natalie, the neon pink WHAM gloves. You’ll always be Pepsi to my Shirley.
To Cheryl M, my totes awes multiple Tom Feiler mugs that I won and you didn’t. :p
To Daniella, my Shrek figure. It’s no Sponge Bob bag but I’m sure you’ll love it.
To HR, all incriminating photos from various company parties, located on my hard drive.
To Kasey, a post it note with “o” written on it, so you never forget to put the “o” in account again.
To Lindsay, my collection of pens, most of them are from the reception desk anyways.
To Janis, the bottles of Advil and Tylenol in my desk. I have a feeling you’ll need them
To all you studio peeps, to be shared equally, the xyron, rulers, and knives I’m accumulated over the years – they’re right next to the label maker in my bottom drawer. Just kidding. Take the small hand mirror, because no one made me look as good as you did.
To Steve, my Untitled postcard from the British Design Museum. I know you’re the only other person who’ll find it amusing.
To Marta, the collection of salt packets in the top left drawer. Use them to de-ice the sidewalks. Pretty please. Oh and I guess you should share them with Matt, Steve and Janis.
To Bhavik and Jess, to be divided equally, any matches, lighters or cigarettes.
To Lily, my mardi gras beads and button that says “drunk” cuz a tipsy Lily always makes me laugh.
To [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted], my unused souvenir Spy in July rolling papers so you’ll never go without again.
To the account group, to be shared equally, my chair, because it didn’t give me a fraction of the support you all did.
To Peter, the poster of Mao giving a high five, cuz I know you love high fives.
To Val, my British invasion christmas party box. How did the two people not on the social committee end up doing that job?
To Gary W., the little slip of paper that says “Nyeo” instead of either “yes” or “no”.
To Ali, my collection of swipe dogtags/discounts, it’s my payment for all the boring trip talk you had to hear. Plus, I know one day they’ll be selling your photo books there.
To IT, my delete key. It’s in my jar of pens where I put it two years ago after it fell off.
To Mark Scott, the bandana from the creative offsite paintball game (circa 2005), because it’s too hard to believe you weren’t there.
To Bovey, my scissors so you can cut any beard as soon as it starts growing.
To the creative department to be divided equally, my complete annotated collection of neighbourhood dinner menus. If you’re going to work late, you’ll need some variety in your diet.
To Betty, my Party Like a Rock Star TAXI christmas party survival kit, cuz I’ve seen you on the dance floor and you are a rock star.
To Christine, mi dispensador de la cita por todas las veces cuando tomé tu grapadora. Gracias.
To Aggie, Eugene, Meghan, JC, and the rest of the fabulous producers, my TAXI hooch left over from the summer party. It’s one of the many drinks I owe you guys.
To Lance, the picture of the Sphincter Eye, cuz you actually know what it means.
To Sam, the bottle of hairspray and mousse left over from the Do They Know it’s Christmas video/music shoot three years ago.
To Caleb, four tampons and a palm tree.
To Troy, the Duran Duran poster I stole from Jeff. Keep the faith.
To finance, a collection of cab receipts and other misc. undated bills that I never got around to expensing.
To the 100s of you that I have missed, I’ve unfortunately run out of stuff. Instead please accept my thanks and lots of hugs for making these last four years so absolutely awesome.
If any beneficiary under this Will does not survive me by 30 days, then I shall be deemed to have survived such person.
PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE OR EXECUTOR: I appoint Vera as Executor of my Will, and if s/he is unable or unwilling to serve, then I name Chris Ashton as alternate Executor. My Executor and alternate shall have all powers granted by applicable laws of my province to carry out all provisions of this Will, may use provisions and procedures for the simplified handling of estates, may hold in trust the share of any minor beneficiary until s/he reaches age 18, and shall not be required to post a bond.
I, LMB, hereby sign this Will at Toronto, Ontario on this 27 day of February, 2009
****
Remember you are all stars. And I look forward to watching you shine wherever I am in the world.
I will miss you all – yes, even you. So you had better keep in touch.
And I meant every word of it.
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